How To Deal With Difficult Colleagues: First, establish the type of behaviour you are dealing with. Accurate diagnosis is key to dealing with the problem, and hopefully solving it. Be honest with yourself, too – is some of it down to you?
Aggressive characteristics that everyone else can see – such as patronising behaviour – are often best dealt with first by having a quiet word with the perpetrator. This is most effective when raised by a witness, rather than the victim – and ideally straight after an incident, so there’s no disputing what just happened.
A very senior alpha-male colleague was being very condescending to one of my team in a big meeting, dismissing every comment she made. It was excruciating.
Afterwards, I immediately went to his office and told him straight: “You totally undermined Sarah (not her real name) in that meeting – both your manner and what you said diminished her in front of a lot of people.” He put his head in his hands, mortified, and asked “What can I do to make amends?“.
After he’d apologised to Sarah and made it clear in the next meeting that he valued her, she recovered her confidence and no longer dreaded their meetings. Other people took note of the change, too – no one knew quite what had happened, but they realised that action had been taken.
Escalate problems to a manager only if the person fails to address their behaviour. If someone constantly chatters while at the desk, and refuses to take the hint that they’re bothering colleagues, a boss should sort that out.
When you’re explaining the issue to them, always raise problems through the lens of what’s best for the team/company/project – don’t make it personal.
Take notes and, as always, run through the issue calmly, and ideally suggest a solution. Bosses love solutions much more than problems.
The basic rule of thumb is to try to put yourself in the problematic person’s shoes. Why are they being so difficult? Are they insecure, jealous, inexperienced (they may not understand office behaviour yet), or are they just not very good at their job? Listen for clues to help find a way forward.
But covert, stealthy behaviour can be tricky to uncover in the first place. My friend, let’s call her Ruth, (who’s given me permission to share her story) discovered a female colleague was repeatedly excluding her from business meetings or events.
The colleague was more junior, but didn’t report to Ruth so her line of sight – and opportunity for recourse – was limited. Ruth wasn’t sure what was going on; the woman was described as having “sharp elbows”, but Ruth wondered if it was more a case of feeling insecure.
Then one day Ruth’s boss asked why she hadn’t been at a particular client event – the simple truth was that she hadn’t been invited.
Her boss said it was “ridiculous” and that he would sort it out, but Ruth told him she could handle it. She sent the colleague in question an email saying she hoped the event had gone brilliantly and offered to help with the next one.
The colleague replied apologising profusely for not inviting her, and confessed she felt a bit overshadowed by her presence. Ruth wrote back, “No worries, just remember you can always count on me if you need help with anything” – and forwarded the trail onto her boss, who replied: “Class act”.
The only person the woman had undermined was herself – but only temporarily, once she had explained, and didn’t make any such “oversight” again.
If listening for clues, empathising as best you can and being as constructive as possible don’t work, and if the difficult person in your work life looms large in it every day, then your last resort is to seek another role.
I once moved a woman from one fund management position to another desk because her boss was being totally unreasonable. He was the definition of “difficult”.
Ultimately, of course he had to go (no amount of brilliance can allow for poor behaviour), but in the short term, moving her was the best way to help – and prevent her from seeking pastures new. That was many years ago, and I’m delighted that she’s still at the same firm, thriving.
Don’t let the difficult people win.
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